My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.
It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don’t play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.
The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.
If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you.
Have you made any other friends since we’ve been here?I gave him the death stare. Yes, actually.Who? I want a name.Jamie Roth.The Ebola kid? I heard he’s a little unstable.That was one incident.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Do you like to slide? His voice was eager.Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. No, Majesty. I’m terrified of heights.Oh. His polite tone had returned.I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction.He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him.Especially, I added, as I’ve grown taller.
Check out that one at the end. He’s taken the form of a footstool. Weird…but somehow I like his style.That is a footstool.
To alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems
I am not sure I trust you.You can trust me with your life, My King.But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.
Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me…only he’s an imbecile.
Do you know, sire, I think that if we live to tell our grandchildren about this war, they will accuse us of making it up.’ -Marielle
I’m making a listI’m making a list of things I must sayFor politeness,And goodness and kindness and gentlenessSweetness and rightness:HelloPardon meHow are you?Excuse meBless youMay I?Thank youGoodbyeIf you know some that I’ve forgot,Please stick them in you eye!
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.
I can’t abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!
I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.
Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off, he said. I’m not in the mood to compromise.
James – Are you paying attention or just trying to make me look like an idoit?Elizabeth – Oh, I’m definately paying attention. If you look like an idiot it has nothing to do with me.
Me and Katy look adorkable in extraterrestrialhighway shirts. You would just look stupid. You can thank me later.
Basically, everyone thinks–knows–how sweet I am.Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass.
So. [Isobel] cleared her throat. What are we doing?We, [Varen] said at last, are doing a project on Poe.Didn’t he marry his cousin or something?The man is a literary god and that’s all you have to say?
I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.
In my life, I have given a fuck about many people and many things. I have also not given a fuck about many people and many things. And like the road not taken, it was the fucks not given that made all the difference.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic.
Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They’ll believe anything they see in print.
What’s going on? Newt asked, looking back and forth between Thomas and Aris. Why’re you guys looking at each other like you just fell in love?
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
My first words, as I was being born […] I looked up at my mother and said, ‘that’s the last time I’m going up one of those.
Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one’s luck.
No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that’s blown into their heads by mistake, and they don’t Think.
Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled.I’d finally found something Eric did poorly.
I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again… I came in through the window… Still, the intent was clear, said Edward.
He looks like a runway model. How in the world am I going to be able to reject that? The world is so unfair. Seriously, it’s like turning Brad Pitt down for a date. The girl who could actually do it should win an award for idiot of the century.
A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.
You’re probably wondering what’s going to happen to you. That’s easy. The same thing is going to happen to you that has happened to every other human being who has ever lived. You’re going to die. We all die. That’s just how it is.
High School. Society’s bright idea to put all their aggressive, naive youth into one environment to torment and emotionally scar each other for life.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, Voltaire was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of god is the problem to begin with.
I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I tried to tell you. You said you didn’t care, remember?A muscle ticked below his eye. You should have told me anyway.While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I’m Disease, not Stupid.
It’s my turn to see you through,’ she whispers, coming back to me and wrapping me in her blanket as I lose my shit all over again. She holds me until I recover my Y chromosome.
I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Disappointment came to me,and booted me,and bruised and hurt me,but that’s how people grow up.
Because this absolutely insane – the craziest thing I’d ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I’d give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon.
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Actually I don’t remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.
If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you’re a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.
It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?
They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!
Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque? Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed.Huh? No. I mean, I don’t know, Claire said.Then why are you all up in my grill? Massie said through her teeth.
Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?
I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.
It is one of the defects of my character that I cannot altogether dislike anyone who makes me laugh.