In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
All the time you’re saying to yourself, ‘I could do that, but I won’t,’ — which is just another way of saying that you can’t.
In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public office of trust or profit in the Republic. But I do not repine, for I am a subject of it only by force of arms.
May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.
But this room looked like it had been decorated by the unholy lovechild of Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake.
Sometimes when it looks like I’m deep in thought I’m just trying not to have a conversation with people.
So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you’re saying?
Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don’t get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.
God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful…
They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat. Get the mail, Dudley, said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper. Make Harry get it.Get the mail, Harry.Make Dudley get it.Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley.
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
Are you any good at it?Pulling idiots out of the snow? I’m the best.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.
I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, My God! I love everything. Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we’re all one?
Remember! No questions. Follow my commands. There are reasons that will escape your human mind’s capacity. Just have faith. Don’t ask questions, don’t think for yourself, just have faith and do everything we tell you to do.
How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. – Hitchens 3:16
There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.[Interview, The Paris Review, Summer 1956]
There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.
You’ve got no sense of humor.I’m going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.
He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.
Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was.Is there any tea on this spaceship? he asked.
Max, if you survive your final test, can you steal me one of those magic outfits for me? I’ll try to get one for each of us. Hey! ‘If’?
Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots
I’ve noticed that when people are joking they’re usually dead serious, and when they’re serious, they’re usually pretty funny.
A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life’s gas-pipe with a lighted candle.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.
You’re Valentine’s son. I’m sure you’re the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you’re charming. Maybe not at the moment.
If you need help bark like a dog. – Gendry. That’s stupid. If I need help I’ll shout help. – Arya
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.
Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.
You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!
I think computer viruses should count as life … I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in our own image.
So, he called to her back, Just out of curiosity, you know, purely conversation and all, at what age will you be entertaining offers of marriage?You think it’ll be so easy? she called back over her shoulder. No way. There will be tasks. Like in a fairy tale.Sounds dangerous.Very, so think twice.No need, he said. You’re worth it.
Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.
Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don’t come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they’re having a piss.
Thinking is hard work, which is why you don’t see many people doing it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn’t.
Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder
Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ – one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn’t a woman alive who could go from point A to B without stopping at C, D, X, and 12 along the way.
You have something on your neck. What Looks like a bite mark, what were you doing out all night, anyway? Nothing. I went walking in the park. Tried to clear my head. And ran into a vampire What? No! I fell. On your neck?
Can’t you just like a girl who likes you back?”None of them likes me back. I may as well like the one I really want.
I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L’Illustration. Something desperate, you know.
Let’s be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.
The baby batScreamed out in fright,’Turn on the dark,I’m afraid of the light.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I want to do it too! (sitting motionless)Nudge: Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church.Max: (muttering) Appropriately enough.Iggy: What about me? (stands still)Max: No, you’re visible.Iggy: Am not!Max: (throws a pinecone at him) Could I do that if I wouldn’t see you?
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.
People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN’T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.
You’d be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.