My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it’ll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It’s like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.
How do you tell the psychiatrists from the patients in the hospital?The patients get better and leave.
Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped, or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them.
I don’t put up with being messed around, and I don’t suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I’m a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references.
Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good.
I was a little excited but mostly blorft. Blorft is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.
As my father always used to tell me, ‘You see, son, there’s always someone in the world worse off than you.’ And I always used to think, ‘So?
I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.
All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says Morning, boys. How’s the water? And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes What the hell is water?
Don’t go looking for boys in the darkThey will say pretty things thenleave you with scars.Do go looking for boys in the parkFor that is where the true gentlemen are.
Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.
Number of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers: 3 — two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)
Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I’m changing it to ‘God Hates Baguettes.’ It’s tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes.
I wasn’t fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. There’s nothing to talk about.I knew you’d say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’Dimitri sighed.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.
I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.
If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.
You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn’t a bad mood at all; it’s just your sucky personality.
Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren’t missionaries.I opened my eyes wide. No? Well, for God’s sake, don’t tell them. They’d be crushed. Thinking they’re doing the Lord’s work and all.
Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating.
I’m right and you’re wrong, I’m big and you’re small, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
Congratulations!Today is your day.You’re off to Great Places!You’re off and away!
Really, these wizards! You’d think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it? she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet.I’m dying of boredom, Howl said pathetically. Or maybe just dying.
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn’t it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their necks? And maybe — dare I dream it? — maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
Awww, Minho said. That’s almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face.
Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much–all of it wrong.
We are not going to die. Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. We’re not? No. And do you know why? He shook his head. Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I’m too stubborn to die. I hauled on the shirt even harder. And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.
Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn’t explain away afterwards.
You’re only a man! You’ve not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.
I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.
It’s okay, I said soothingly. You’re just getting your stride back. Once you’re up to full power, I’ll go crack a rib or something so we can test it.She groaned. The horrible part is that I don’t think you’re joking.
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
I am your Prince and you will marry me, Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, I am your servant and I refuse.I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.I am your loyal servant and I just did.Refusal means death.Kill me then.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.
Try not to have a good time…this is supposed to be educational.
A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that’s just how the world will come to an end: to general applause from wits who believe it’s a joke.
What are you grinning at? Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we’re both on the verge of an enormous joke.Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.
There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.