I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren’t these the same questions as last year’s [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.
Bravo, said Grimalkin, peering down from Cold Tom’s chest. The Winter prince and Oberon’s jester agreeing on something. The world must be ending.
Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don’t forget food. You can go a week without laughing.
If I’m walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across.
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Never knock on death’s door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. – T-shirt
A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.
Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.
I’m a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.
I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It’s so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn’t have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons.
Yeah? Can you draw a skeleton riding a motorcycle with flames coming out of it? And I want a pirate hat on the skeleton. And a parrot on his shoulder. A skeleton parrot. Or maybe a ninja skeleton parrot? No, that would be overkill. But it’d be cool if the biker skeleton could be shooting some ninja throwing stars. That are on fire.
If you’re horrible to me, I’m going to write a song about it, and you won’t like it. That’s how I operate.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
They turned to Angel. We will call you Little One, the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing.Okay, said Angel agreeably. I’ll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat. He frowned.That can be his Indian name, I suggested.
I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.
I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!
I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Curran looked back at me. Why is it you always attract creeps?You tell me. Ha! Walked right into that one, yes, he did.
I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
Personally, I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back.” That’s my girl.
You so need to lighten up about that potato-launcher incident, Butch said.Phury rolled his eyes and eased back in the banquette. You broke my window.Of course we did. V and I were aiming for it.Twice.Thus proving that he and I are outstanding marksmen.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Ronan said, I’m always straight.Adam replied Oh, man, that’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told.
Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it.(Letter to Étienne Noël Damilaville, May 16, 1767)
I’m sure I’ll feel much more grateful when I find a guy who thinks complex wiring in a girl is a turn-on.
Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?I give.You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there’s a dog.
I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.
Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns…and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.
There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.
People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle’s on a poodle and the poodle’s eating noodles……they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
I think I’ve discovered the secret of life — you just hang around until you get used to it.