Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.
Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Inconceivable!You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
No! Please! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know! the man yelled. Really? said Vimes. What’s the orbital velocity of the moon?What?Oh, you’d like something simpler?
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
That wasn’t any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.
They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?All the time.
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.
Where is Wood? said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn’t there.Still in the showers, said Fred. We think he’s trying to drown himself.
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.
What’s up? I asked.You tell me, he said. You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian.It was an experiment, I said. It was part of my therapy.What the hell kind of therapy are you in?
Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.
I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes.
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.
Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.
Confidence is ignorance. If you’re feeling cocky, it’s because there’s something you don’t know.
The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.
Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.
It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.
Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.
Basically, I have two speeds…. Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.
Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.
Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,Go throw your TV set away,And in its place you can installA lovely bookshelf on the wall.Then fill the shelves with lots of books.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.
What the hell is that? I laughed.It’s my fox hat.Your fox hat?Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.Why are you wearing your fox hat? I asked.Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, Why god? Why me? and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Jesus! Luke exclaimed.Actually, it’s just me, said Simon. Although I’ve been told the resemblance is startling.
Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
I think we’re too young to be dating. I mean I don’t see what the rush is. Summer says. Yeah, I agree, said August. Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all those babes who keep throwing themselves at me and stuff?
It isn’t the mountain ahead that wears you out; it’s the grain of sand in your shoe.
It’s Sanjit. It’s a Hindu name. It means ‘invincible.’That’s great, Lana said.Invincible. I can’t be vinced.That’s not even a word, Lana said.Go ahead: try to vince me, Sanjit said.
How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it