What is your advice to young writers?” “Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.
It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.
I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. “Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard.
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks.
I looked to the ceiling and told God, “God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission.
To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.
What will you do now?’I think I will become a monk and devote my entire life to prayer and good works.’No,’ said Rek. ‘I mean, what will you do today?’Ah! Today I’ll get drunk and go whoring,’ said Bowman.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.
I’m not a psychopath, I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.
Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?’ ‘To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.’ ‘The dog did nothing in the night-time.”That was the curious incident,’ remarked Sherlock Holmes.
Are you here for a reason, Cheshire?Why, yes, I would enjoy a cup of tea. I take mine with lots of cream, and no tea. Thank you.
We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.Scrabble? He sounds surprised. Scrabble’s great.Not when you’re playing with a family of geniuses, it’s not. They all put words like ‘iridiums’. And I put ‘pig’.
There aren’t any syringes. Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. I know you’ll use this wisely.Wisely? She snapped the syringe out of his hand. No, I’m going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that’s what they trained me to do in medical school.
Orion brightened. I have an idea.Yes? said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained.Why don’t we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn’t work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other.
No, I really did. I walked into that room and saw the hottest, sexiest guy I’ve ever seen – wet and half naked. And I said, Ewww."I know. How am I still single, right?
How could I be sleeping with this particular man…. Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Ayame: Yuki, let’s deepen the bond between us brothers!Yuki: Before you can do that I’ll drown you in the deepest part of that lake.Ayame: As long as we spend time together.Yuki: On second thought, go drown yourself.
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.
I hate when people say ‘I see’. It doesn’t mean anything and I think it’s hostile. Whenever anyone tells me ‘I see’ I think they’re really saying ‘Fuck you’.
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn’t there, and finding it.
I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man’s body, although I’d appreciate it if you didn’t quote me on that.-Bobby Tom
I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.
When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work.
So you were going to rescue the Prince! Why did you pretend to run away? To deceive the Witch?Not likely! I’m a coward. Only way I can do something this frightening is to tell myself I’m not doing it!
CUSTOMER: Do you have this children’s book I’ve heard about? It’s supposed to be very good. It’s called Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:’I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.
I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.
I’ll be famous one day, but for now I’m stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons. – Greg Heffley,
Headline? he asked.’Swing Set Needs Home,’ I said.’Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,’ he said.’Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,’ I said.
It’s not that I want you to go, it’s just that I don’t want you to stay. – China Sorrows –
There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, ‘Do trousers matter?’The mood will pass, sir.
Most men don’t seem to get that telling a pissed-off woman to calm down is like throwing gunpowder on a fire.” ~ Liberty Jones
Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary
Welsh is an actual, currently used language and our next-door neighbors Angela and Gaenor spoke it. It sounds like Wizard.
Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa, intoned Opal, finishing her chant. Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.
We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us.
All you have to do, I tell myself, is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn’t be that hard.
I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.
In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
No dumb bastard ever won a war by going out and dying for his country. He won it by making some other dumb bastard die for his country.
It is the set of the sails, not the direction of the wind that determines which way we will go.
No, thanks, said Harry. The toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick. Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he’d said.
The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.
Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine’s pink withrhinestones.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.