I swear that woman had a previous career as a death-hunter selling tragic ballads down around the Seven Dials, said Will. And I do wish she wouldn’t sing about poisoning just after we’ve eaten.
I’m telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.”I would,’ I said, ‘but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I’d even settle for a demigod. It’s a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought.
My beard grows down to my toes,I never wears no clothes,I wraps my hairAround my bare,And down the road I goes.
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me.” I’m not hitting on you,” he protested.No?”Believe me, you’d know if I was hitting on you. You wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from succumbing to my charms.
Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
Any man can fart in a closed room and say that he commands the wind
What? It’s not my blood!”“Let me see it,” Julian demanded, and a moment later there were sounds of a scuffle from the back seat.“I am AB positive and this is distinctly type O blood!” Ty finally shouted at him. “Look at the little Os!
Anthony looked down at his evil clutches — hands, he reminded himself, hands — and grinned anew.
If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I’ll have to risk it.
The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won’t be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
I am perfectly qualified to give you an injection. You’re not going to tell me you’re afraid of a little prick?I wouldn’t call you that…
How do I define history? It’s just one fucking thing after another
Kenji snorts.“That’s because you’re not fragile,” Kenji says. “If anything, everyone needs to protect themselves from you. You’re like a freaking beast,” he says. Then adds, “I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people.
The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.
What’s the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don’t yield to them?
This emotion I’m feeling now, this is love, right?I don’t know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you’re with me?Yes, she said.That’s influenza, said Miro. Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours.
On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.
Maybe I should, I don’t know leave? Because this is starting to sound like one of those reality shows I don’t want to be in. Maybe you guys want to take turns in the confessional booth.
Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.
Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.
Great tranquility of heart is his who cares for neither praise nor blame.
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
You’re a monster.Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?No, just a medal. The budget isn’t inexhaustable.
Don’t be scared of Bambi the demon said. She’s only curious and maybe a little bit hungry.The thing was named Bambi?Oh, my God, the thing stared at me like it wanted to eat me.
High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation.
Yo, cop. We’re heading for Screamer’s. You wanna come? Butch looked up at the doorway. Vishous was in the hall with Rhage and Phury behind him. The vampires had expectant looks on their faces, like they honestly wanted to hang with him. Butch found himself grinning like the new kid who didn’t have to sit alone at lunch after all.
Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I’m cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.
I hope you feel better today. Please ring me at work if you are dead.
Wild! Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again… and again… and again…
We were like deaf people trying to dance to a beat we couldn’t hear, long after the music actually stopped.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
How do I know you’ll keep your word? asked Coraline.I swear it, said the other mother. I swear it on my own mother’s grave.Does she have a grave? asked Coraline.Oh yes, said the other mother. I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back.
Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know… size -Tuck
A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.
People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.
I just can’t listen to any more Wagner, you know…I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he’s not… you know, better.Define BETTER with that guy.Not all fangs and raaaaar.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. ‘I find that offensive.’ It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. ‘I am offended by that.’ Well, so fucking what.[I saw hate in a graveyard — Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]
Karl Marx: Religion is the opiate of the masses.Carrie Fisher: I did masses of opiates religiously.
When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.
I’m the Super-sized McShizzle, man! Leo said. I’m Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme. And the ladies love a bad boy.
You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.