I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can’t fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it sir because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay
Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn’t. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn’t read.
…crackers… a voice breathed out nehind us, yesss…Both of us turned, watching as Chubs twisted around in his seat and settled back down, still fast asleep. I pressed a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Liam rolled his eyes, smiling. He dreams about food, he said. A lot.
Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
He couldn’t believe it was only Wednesday. And it was made worse when he realized it was actually Tuesday.
I’d heard you were dead.”I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.
From now on, I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success…. I’m just here to cash in.
Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you’ve had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.
It is perfectly monstrous,’ he said, at last, ‘the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one’s back that are absolutely and entirely true.
Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.
The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
You used nunchucks on a moose?Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. I used all sorts of things on that bastard.
25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying ‘Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?’26 And the Angel said, ‘I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.’27 And the Lord did not ask him again.
Our knowledge is a little island in a great ocean of nonknowledge.
Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.
Hunters will tell you that a moose is a wily and ferocious forest creature. Nonsense. A moose is a cow drawn by a three-year-old.
The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.
The new industries are brainy industries and so-called knowledge workers tend to like to be near other people who are the same. Think of the City of Hollywood. People cluster. This means you have winning regions, such as London and Cambridge, and losing regions. The people who want to be top lawyers in Sunderland are hoovered up by London.
What ho! I said.What ho! said Motty.What ho! What ho!What ho! What ho! What ho!After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.
What…what about when I’m married?”“We’ll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.
I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.
A certain man once lost a diamond cuff-link in the wide blue sea, and twenty years later, on the exact day, a Friday apparently, he was eating a large fish – but there was no diamond inside. That’s what I like about coincidence.
MagicSandra’s seen a leprechaun,Eddie touched a troll,Laurie danced with witches once,Charlie found some goblins gold.Donald heard a mermaid sing,Susy spied an elf,But all the magic I have knownI’ve had to make myself.
Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that’s so insulting. That’s like saying I’m not smart enough to shoot you in the head. Eddie DeChooch
It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.
Idealism increases in direct proportion to one’s distance from the problem.
…How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden’s mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty, he replied.
I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.
Tyler lies back and asks, If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?I say, goodnight.The headliner hangs down in shreds from the ceiling and Tyler says, Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
You humans, always eating. I’ll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working. Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.Don’t use the same beaker you used for poisons! Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. I mean it!
‘Tell Suzie she’s a lucky cat.’ Have sexier words ever been spoken?
You know, I can see more than just the future or the past.Really? I asked, paging through through the papers in the file. Can you also see the present? Because I can do that, too. Like, right now, I sense that I’m in a messy room with a total toolbox.
If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn’t rub out even half the Fuck you signs in the world. It’s impossible.
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.
When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.
A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.
Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.
Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He’s shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. “I’m sorry,” he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. “This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing
You’re such a pain in the ass. (Butch) Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)
I love writing, but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, ‘You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, Giftless. I’m not your agent and I’m not your mommy: I’m a white piece of paper. You wanna dance with me?’ and I really, really don’t. I’ll go peaceable-like.
Must be weird for you, having your mom here.Weird for me, weird for her, probably weird for you since you had to give up your swinging bachelor pad.Mrs. Casnoff let me install my heart-shaped Jacuzzi in my new dorm room.Cal, I said with mock astonishment, did you just make a joke?Maybe.
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
At a certain age almost all the questions a person asks him or herself are really just about one thing: how should you live your life?
I called Vee.How are you doing? I asked.Good. How are you?Good.Silence.Okay, Vee said in a rush, I am still totally freaked out. You?Totally.
Yeah, the whole family knows. It’s no big deal. One night at dinner I said, ‘Mom, you know the forbidden love that Spock has for Kirk? Well, me too.’ It was easier for her to understand that way.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.
I’m going to talk to her.And how’s that going to go? You’re just going to walk up to her and say, ‘Hey, I know you’ve never seen me before, but I’m your dad. Oh, and guess what? You’ve won the evolutionary lottery: You’re a vampire. Let’s go to Disneyland!
A brainy person does not abuse copyright; instead they respect it and uphold it.
Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They’ll not be able to once you lop off their heads.