The day I can’t pull something useful out of my ass is the day I quit sticking things up my ass.
Mr. McGregor’s a nasty piece of work, isn’t he? Quite the Darth Vader of children’s literature.
Maybe we should go on lots of double dates,” Cath said, “and then we can get married on the same day in a double ceremony, in matching dresses, and the four of us will light the unity candle all at the same time.”“Pfft,” Levi said, “I’m picking out my own dress.
Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again.
Who knew? I had no idea that someone could be such a thorn in your foot during a death march and still be irresistibly attractive in some magical, undeniable way.So is this what people call sweet nothings? Because somehow, I expected it to be a little more…complementary.
The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.
Why couldn’t you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!
The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.
Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she’s a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Sir Beldevere: A newt? Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] … I got better. Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!
Don’t explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.
I see you’re a man with ideals. I better be going before you’ve still got them.
You don’t happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow? I don’t have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.
You’re not as sexy as I think you are.” She squinted. Wait. That hadn’t come out right.
I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered.What! How long has it been?Five minutes. I got bored.
How do you deal with it? Kami asked Jared. The laughing at nothing and occasionally stopping dead in your tracks.I have a system where when I stop, I lean casually against something, Jared told her. It makes people think I’m a bad boy. Or possibly that I have a bad back.
There must be a mistake, I said. He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. That’s a creative name. What do you shorten it to? Missy?
He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax…
People think first love is sweet, and never sweeter than when that first bond snaps. You’ve heard a thousand pop and country songs that prove the point; some fool got his heart broke. Yet that first broken heart is always the most painful, the slowest to mend, and leaves the most visible scar. What’s so sweet about that?
You told me I was the best sex you’d ever had in your life…You couldn’t get enough…At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door.
If 50 million people say something foolish, it is still foolish.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
You are putting yourself in serious danger…’I think that I preferred to put myself in serious danger rather than confront my shame. My shame at not having become someone, the shame of not having made my parents proud after all the sacrifices they had made for me. The shame of having become a mediocre nihilist.
If you want to be seen, stand up.If you want to be heard, speak up.If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
I’m not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it’s Shakespeare — or, if not, it’s some equally brainy lad — who says that it’s always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top-hole, and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping.
I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.
I don’t know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you’re brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I’m being this stupid! (Ron)
Why would you throw a ball in someone’s face?…Huh. That’s a pretty good reason. Well, I can’t do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.
To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.
I do not, I felt oddly appalled by her statement. I’m an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.
For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy’s schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.
Hugging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won’t have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you’ll be busier. Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start? Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic.
You couldn’t be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!
I’m trying to make some sense out of the phrase Everything happens for a reason, and I think I’ve figured out what the reason is – to pissed me off.
Well, thanks for not shooting anyone, I guess, said Marcus. My contribution was to somehow refrain from peeing myself. You can thank me later.
Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.
Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move.
Do you always ask me the same questions you ask him?It depends on whether or not I get an answer.
Who cares even if I didn’t?! Conor shouted back. They’re just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words you say tell me you are scared of the berries, but your actions seems to suggest otherwise.
I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I’ve got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don’t know how to account for it, but it is so.It may be Nature’s provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir.
I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of ‘this is the song that never ends’. Putting that on me? Come on dude..
A whizzpopper! cried the BFG, beaming at her. Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?
When I was poor and complained about inequality they said I was bitter; now that I’m rich and I complain about inequality they say I’m a hypocrite. I’m beginning to think they just don’t want to talk about inequality.
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m miserable now.
Just as I had long suspected, a person didn’t really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.
My capacity for happiness, he added, you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first
Even now, despite Angeline’s watchfulness, she’d occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd’s pie wasn’t a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.
Those guys who want to have the Mohawk…which, to me, is the new business casual.
The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.
I hate women who complain about being fat when they’re like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn’t a woman. It’s a boy with breasts.
Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding
If you don’t make a few ememies now and then, you’re a coward-or worse. Besides, it as worth it to see his reaction. Oh, he was angry!- Angela to Eragon