I don’t know who YOU think you’re kidding you Hufflepuff-ass bitch
But what about the End of the Universe? We’ll miss the big moment.I’ve seen it. It’s rubbish, said Zaphod,nothing but a gnab gib.A what?Opposite of a big bang. Come on, let’s get zappy.
You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record.
I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
I’m fine, Mom. Thanks for asking.”…“Of course you’re fine.” She keeps walking. “You’re the devil’s bride and these are his creatures.”…“I’m not the devil’s bride.” “He carried you out of the fire and is letting you visit us from the dead. Who else would have those privileges except his bride?
When life hands you a lemon, say, ‘Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?
Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I’m what’s known as prey. All females are.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
Believe me, It would be better if we didn’t meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you’re still a child.
Where were you born?On a battlefield, [Yossarian] answered.No, no. In what state were you born?In a state of innocence.
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
Millard! Who’s the prime minister?Winston Churchill, he said. Have you gone daft?What’s the capital of Burma?Lord, I’ve no idea. Rangoon?Good! When’s your birthday?Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!
You make me smile like the sun, fall out bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. Spin like a record crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breath, shine like the sun buzz like a bee, just the thought of you can drive me wild. Oh you make me smile. -Uncle Kracker-
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Yes, we’ll yell, ‘Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese’.
The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.
I penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe.You poked it with a stick?No! I said. Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.
You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.
I don’t know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point.
Humor can get in under the door while seriousness is still fumbling at the handle.
As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don’t bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it’s very powerful, and should be used sparingly.
I’ve always known I was gay, but it wasn’t confirmed until I was in kindergarten.It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND HAS VERY GOOD SENSE OF SELF.
Fire wants to burn Water wants to flow Air wants to rise Earth wants to bindChaos wants to devourCal wants to live
I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.
FABLEHAVEN: None who enter will leave unchanged. Trespassers will be turned to stone.
Down with tyranny!’ Bramble cried. ‘Aristocracy! Autocracy! Monocracy! Other ocracy things! You are outnumbered, sir! Surrender!
I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I’d damn well tell him myself.
Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn’t say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.
[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]Don’t they teach you anything in your schools?Not about this.Pity. I suppose that’s what comes of your main education flowing from Google.
And Nate? You kiss like a slobbering dog, you have bad breath, and you wouldn’t know how to punch the right buttons on a girl if we came with manuals. Happy Thanksgiving, Jackass.
There’s nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn’t even have to matter what they’re laughing about.
When I’m out of politics I’m going to run a business, it’ll be called rent-a-spine
Look! said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, Someone who cares!
This college would probably have the same problem as the last one did.I frowned, What’s that?Homework.
I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.
Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.
We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.
Where I come from, we’re more about efficiency,’ he replies. ‘A knife like this’ll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time.
I actually like how doctors talk. I like the sound of science. I like how words you don’t understand explain things you can’t understand.
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Jessica, you are a pain in the arse, do you know that? If I were not so immensely fond of you, I should throw you out the window.She wrapped her arms about his waist and laid her head against his chest. Not merely ‘fond,’ but ‘immensely fond.’ Oh Dain, I do believe I shall swoon.Not now, he said crossly. I haven’t time to pick you up.
Life makes fools of all of us sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you’ll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace. In the end, you know, its our own expectations that crush us.
Being a leader is making the people you love hate you a little more each day.
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant
I don’t know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me.
There’s a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.