Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core.
Don’t panic. Are you sitting? You probably don’t need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.
I may not look like much, but I’m an expert at pretending to be a ninja.
Caring about someone isn’t complicated. It isn’t easy. But it isn’t complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.
Nothing’s a better cure for writer’s block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.
He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.Her nose wrinkled. Step in something? she asked innocently.That I did not mind. He took a menacing step toward her. What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection.
Life doesn’t make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy’s job is to point out that it doesn’t make sense, and that it doesn’t make much difference anyway.
Popularity’s a weird thing. You can’t really define it, and it’s not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.
There’s no trouble in this world so serious that it can’t be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.
Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.
The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little.
Now Darkstripe,’ Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, ‘is neither young, nor pretty.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for—in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
You’re a very difficult person to manipulate, you know.Nonsense, he said. You just have to promise me that I won’t have to do a thing, and then I’ll do anything you want.Anything?Anything that doesn’t require doing anything.That’s nothing, then.Is it?Yes.Well, that’s something.
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.
[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.
If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.
Hey, our hair’s the same color, I said, eying us side by side in the mirror.Sure is, girlfriend. Eric grinned at me.
If you didn’t grow up like I did then you don’t know, and if you don’t know it’s probably better you don’t judge.
We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call ‘misdirected rage’. I believe the technical term is being an ass.
Your stepfather? I’d like to meet him.Oh no… why?I’m not sure that’s a good idea.Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line.Are you ashamed of me?No! It’s my turn to sound exasperated. Introduce you to my dad as what? ‘This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship’. You’re not wearing running shoes.
Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.No hope, no harm; just another false alarm
I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.
The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you’re fussing that he’s tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.
Are you a female dog?What? Massie asked. Why?Because you are acting like a real bitch!
Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, Why me?, then a voice answers Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
All the time you’re saying to yourself, ‘I could do that, but I won’t,’ — which is just another way of saying that you can’t.
In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public office of trust or profit in the Republic. But I do not repine, for I am a subject of it only by force of arms.
May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.
But this room looked like it had been decorated by the unholy lovechild of Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake.
Sometimes when it looks like I’m deep in thought I’m just trying not to have a conversation with people.
So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you’re saying?
Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don’t get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.
God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful…
They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat. Get the mail, Dudley, said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper. Make Harry get it.Get the mail, Harry.Make Dudley get it.Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley.
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
Are you any good at it?Pulling idiots out of the snow? I’m the best.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.
I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, My God! I love everything. Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we’re all one?
Remember! No questions. Follow my commands. There are reasons that will escape your human mind’s capacity. Just have faith. Don’t ask questions, don’t think for yourself, just have faith and do everything we tell you to do.
How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. – Hitchens 3:16
There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.[Interview, The Paris Review, Summer 1956]
There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.
You’ve got no sense of humor.I’m going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.
He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.
Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was.Is there any tea on this spaceship? he asked.
Max, if you survive your final test, can you steal me one of those magic outfits for me? I’ll try to get one for each of us. Hey! ‘If’?