Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots
I’ve noticed that when people are joking they’re usually dead serious, and when they’re serious, they’re usually pretty funny.
A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life’s gas-pipe with a lighted candle.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.
You’re Valentine’s son. I’m sure you’re the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you’re charming. Maybe not at the moment.
If you need help bark like a dog. – Gendry. That’s stupid. If I need help I’ll shout help. – Arya
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.
Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.
You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!
I think computer viruses should count as life … I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in our own image.
So, he called to her back, Just out of curiosity, you know, purely conversation and all, at what age will you be entertaining offers of marriage?You think it’ll be so easy? she called back over her shoulder. No way. There will be tasks. Like in a fairy tale.Sounds dangerous.Very, so think twice.No need, he said. You’re worth it.
Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.
Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don’t come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they’re having a piss.
Thinking is hard work, which is why you don’t see many people doing it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn’t.
Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder
Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ – one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn’t a woman alive who could go from point A to B without stopping at C, D, X, and 12 along the way.
You have something on your neck. What Looks like a bite mark, what were you doing out all night, anyway? Nothing. I went walking in the park. Tried to clear my head. And ran into a vampire What? No! I fell. On your neck?
Can’t you just like a girl who likes you back?”None of them likes me back. I may as well like the one I really want.
I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L’Illustration. Something desperate, you know.
Let’s be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.
The baby batScreamed out in fright,’Turn on the dark,I’m afraid of the light.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I want to do it too! (sitting motionless)Nudge: Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church.Max: (muttering) Appropriately enough.Iggy: What about me? (stands still)Max: No, you’re visible.Iggy: Am not!Max: (throws a pinecone at him) Could I do that if I wouldn’t see you?
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.
People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN’T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.
You’d be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.
My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it’ll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It’s like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.
How do you tell the psychiatrists from the patients in the hospital?The patients get better and leave.
Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped, or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them.
I don’t put up with being messed around, and I don’t suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I’m a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references.
Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good.
I was a little excited but mostly blorft. Blorft is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.
As my father always used to tell me, ‘You see, son, there’s always someone in the world worse off than you.’ And I always used to think, ‘So?
I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.
All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says Morning, boys. How’s the water? And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes What the hell is water?
Don’t go looking for boys in the darkThey will say pretty things thenleave you with scars.Do go looking for boys in the parkFor that is where the true gentlemen are.
Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.
Number of empty Ben & Jerry’s containers: 3 — two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)
Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I’m changing it to ‘God Hates Baguettes.’ It’s tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes.
I wasn’t fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. There’s nothing to talk about.I knew you’d say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’Dimitri sighed.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.
I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.