If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.
You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn’t a bad mood at all; it’s just your sucky personality.
Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren’t missionaries.I opened my eyes wide. No? Well, for God’s sake, don’t tell them. They’d be crushed. Thinking they’re doing the Lord’s work and all.
Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole’. ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating.
I’m right and you’re wrong, I’m big and you’re small, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.
I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
Congratulations!Today is your day.You’re off to Great Places!You’re off and away!
Really, these wizards! You’d think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it? she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet.I’m dying of boredom, Howl said pathetically. Or maybe just dying.
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn’t it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their necks? And maybe — dare I dream it? — maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
Awww, Minho said. That’s almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face.
Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much–all of it wrong.
We are not going to die. Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. We’re not? No. And do you know why? He shook his head. Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I’m too stubborn to die. I hauled on the shirt even harder. And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.
Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn’t explain away afterwards.
You’re only a man! You’ve not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.
I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.
It’s okay, I said soothingly. You’re just getting your stride back. Once you’re up to full power, I’ll go crack a rib or something so we can test it.She groaned. The horrible part is that I don’t think you’re joking.
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
I am your Prince and you will marry me, Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, I am your servant and I refuse.I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.I am your loyal servant and I just did.Refusal means death.Kill me then.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.
Try not to have a good time…this is supposed to be educational.
A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that’s just how the world will come to an end: to general applause from wits who believe it’s a joke.
What are you grinning at? Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we’re both on the verge of an enormous joke.Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.
There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren’t these the same questions as last year’s [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.
Bravo, said Grimalkin, peering down from Cold Tom’s chest. The Winter prince and Oberon’s jester agreeing on something. The world must be ending.
Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don’t forget food. You can go a week without laughing.
If I’m walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across.
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Never knock on death’s door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. – T-shirt
A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.
Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.
I’m a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.
I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It’s so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn’t have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons.
Yeah? Can you draw a skeleton riding a motorcycle with flames coming out of it? And I want a pirate hat on the skeleton. And a parrot on his shoulder. A skeleton parrot. Or maybe a ninja skeleton parrot? No, that would be overkill. But it’d be cool if the biker skeleton could be shooting some ninja throwing stars. That are on fire.
If you’re horrible to me, I’m going to write a song about it, and you won’t like it. That’s how I operate.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
They turned to Angel. We will call you Little One, the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing.Okay, said Angel agreeably. I’ll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat. He frowned.That can be his Indian name, I suggested.
I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.
I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!