If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.

As you get older; you’ve probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You’ll be talking with somebody at a party, and you’ll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Perhaps you are thinking: ‘But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don’t have that kind of money.’Don’t be silly. You’re a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are thinking: ‘Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?’Don’t be silly. You have a tank, right?

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The problem with winter sports is that — follow me closely here — they generally take place in winter.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and–regardless of their political or cultural differences–accuse each other of cheating.