I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn’t afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.
I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.
Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. ‘200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore’ is not nearly as interesting a headline as ‘Charlie kills 200.’ Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.Me, I’m still waitin’ for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn’t hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. ‘Hell no, we ain’t evacuatin’. Ed’s comin’!