I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.