Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.